To Hobble

A thought came to me recently.  It was about the practice of hobbling a horse, of all things.  And then another thought came, but first let me explain a hobble.  

And no, I’m not talking about the gimpy walk we all do after we stub our toe or do something to make that old knee injury flare up.  (Though this term is related to the one I am referring to.)

A hobble is essentially a rope or strap that is used for various reasons to restrain some of the animal’s legs (typically by tying them together, but there are different types).  Some reasons horses are hobbled include:  to keep them from running off while out in the open, to train them to stand still when being mounted or if they should become entangled in something, to work on their hooves, and some other reasons we needn’t get into here.  

Regardless of the reason, folks typically don’t like the look of an animal with their legs tied up.  It tugs a bit on our heart strings to see that poor creature all constrained in such a way.  But if we know not the reason, it could cause us to rush to a judgement about the person that did such a thing to such a beautiful animal.  

Such sympathies aren’t entirely without warrant.  A horse that is hobbled too long or too often may suffer from malnutrition, dehydration, hobble wounds, and poor muscle condition due to the restricted movement induced by the hobbling device.  In such a case, the hobble, which is a useful tool in some scenarios, can become something detrimental down the line.  

As with many things in life, too much of a good thing can turn not-so-good, if given the opportunity to do so.  

I’ve noticed a parallel to this in parenting.  And it even uses a similar word to describe it.  

Coddling.  It comes from the most well-meaning of places.  And just like a hobble on a horse, it can inhibit our children in ways that can prove problematic.  But what even is it?  

Essentially, it’s to tend to something over indulgently with excessive care, shielding them from life’s difficulties, and potentially hindering their growth and development.  Just like a hobble can have its good purposes, caring excessively and shielding children from life’s difficulties can actually be a good thing, as are occasional indulgences.

But the problem lies in that it’s become far too common that parents pursue these things without limits for their children.  And unfortunately, that’s often to their detriment.  

You’re probably thinking, “How dare you!  I love my children so much I would do anything for them!”

As a mother, I, too, love my children dearly.  But I wouldn’t do just anything for them if it would be more to their detriment than to their benefit.  To be more specific, fulfilling their short term wants and whims to the detriment of their long term well-being is at best short-sighted. At worst it can become a malignancy that is much harder to undo on the hind side.

"Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death."

Proverbs 19:18

Our jobs as parents aren’t just to protect them or love them or do anything for them, but to equip them.  And when our efforts at those good things cause bad results in our children, we really need to reevaluate if what we’re doing is working.  Because if what we’re doing isn’t working, we need to do differently.  

This world we’re living in isn’t all easy or convenient, and it’s certainly not without its consequences.  Are we preparing our children to live in the world and in the very real reality of the consequences that can and will come their way someday?

As parents (and just humans in general) there are going to be things that we struggle with.  This may or may not be yours, but I bet you know someone for who it is.  Regardless, you should ask yourself these questions.  And give yourself grace to grow in this.    

1. Am I rescuing my child from the consequences of their actions?

2. Do I hold my child to account for their attitude and actions?

3. What role does my child play and what responsibilities does he/she have in our household?  

4. Do I give my child’s emotions power over me as a parent?

5. Who sets the tone in our household?  

6. Does everything revolve around my child and their desires?

7. Do I assume my child is incapable and just do the thing for them rather than just calling them to rise to the occasion?

8. Do I expect more of them than they expect of themselves?

9. Am I teaching them to serve or to be served?

10. Am I encouraging a victim mentality in my child by allowing them to shift blame for their role?

    
    

There’s probably more questions that could be asked, but this list is lengthy enough as is.  Parenting isn’t easy.  There are always going to be times as a parent where we will question what to do or what we’ve done.  And I daresay that there are times when we should seriously evaluate what we’re doing in light of the results we see happening in our children.  

What  “fruit” do we see in their little lives?

And if what we’re doing isn’t working, we need to honestly ask ourselves what we can and should do differently.  That may mean we have to lay our pride and presuppositions aside and ask for help with whatever area we’re struggling in.  That’s the beauty of the body of Christ – it is comprised of many believers, fighting various battles, able to come together to glorify Christ and to help one another to not only see, but also to remedy our blind spots.  

I'll be the first to admit that I have blind spots. I may not (always) be able to see them, but that doesn't erase their existence from my life. Ignorance may be bliss, but that euphoria will end in misery if we as parents don't do our darnedest to identify our blindness in order that we may better steward these children well as unto the Lord.

Just as the old marriage vows proclaim a "for better or worse" commitment to one another, so it is with parenting. It is our role, both in the pleasant and not-so-pleasant of times, to disciple our children's hearts towards Christ. Sometimes that means we walk through seasons of difficulty with them. Jesus certainly did with his squabbling rabble-rousing crew of sidekick disciples, as well as with those people He encountered and ministered to. Jesus Himself was no stranger to difficult situations and personalities, and certainly didn't shirk back from handing out some hard-to-hear answers.

Read the Gospels and you will see some undoubtedly difficult rebuttals that Jesus doled out. I daresay some of his more common phrases, such as "Repent" and "Go and sin no more" can be disheartening to be on the receiving end of.

But that doesn't nullify our need to hear it.

Our children's ears sometimes have to hear hard answers from us so their hearts can be challenged and growth can happen. It doesn't mean we don't love them. Quite the contrary, actually. We love them enough to say the difficult thing and to do the disciplining because we know that if we don't, it will be to their detriment. We don't want the things we do (or fail to do) for our kids to be their eventual undoing. In our efforts to make their lives easy and pain-free, we don't want to rob them of the things they actually very much need.

Probably one of the harder tasks we have as parents is to not rescue our children from the consequences of their own actions. It would far better for them to learn those hard lessons while safe in the shelter of our wings than when they're thrust out into the world. The less they've faced those lessons while under our loving watch, the harder it will be when they do fly the nest to not fall out of the sky flat on their face.

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,

but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11

They don't need to be so sheltered from life's difficulties and the world's dangers, and from a discipline that's rooted in a deep love for their souls, that they are effectively hobbled:

• To where they can't even walk without getting tripped up.

• To where they are weak or withered because they've never had to prepare for a time when they'll need to be stronger.

• To where they're so strong-willed it overrides any self-control they ought to have or any wisdom offered to them, and they wind up worse off for it.

We shouldn't want to save them from the redirection towards Jesus that their souls so desperately need. Instead, save the coddling for the scraped knees and the moments that NEED that degree of loving sympathy. Doing so may save them from the damage that can be done to them by too much of a good thing. Never should we allow our desire to coddle them to become an inhibitive hobble to them.

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6